Gah.  SO TIRED.
I was all cozy, ready for sweet dreams last night at around 10:45.  I really, really, really need the sleep these days, these last few weeks of next to no sleep are catching up to me.  Then, the neighbours downstairs kick in with their subwoofer, loud rap music, and a huge, festive party complete with people screaming and being super loud.  It took until 12:30 to get them to turn it down, and by this point I was so worked up and upset that I couldn't go back to bed.  I ended up staying up until 2:00, not falling asleep until probably 2:45.  And then my stupid biological clock which has been waking me up at 6:00am everyday decided it didn't want to cut me some slack....so yeah....3 hours or so worth of sleep.  I feel like garbage.

Why, why, WHY won't my body let me have a good night's sleep?!

I just returned from my doctor's office, and we discussed the possibility of me having another unknown deficiency that is causing all of my mental confusion.  We went over the results of my last blood work (taken a week ago), and it turns out I'm unbelievably iron deficient.  I've been on and off iron deficient since I was in my teens, but this is the lowest I've ever been.  Which, he thinks, could definitely be contributing to some of this, if not all.  He also was concerned with the fact that my extremities are always freezing, I have a very low tolerance to cold, and when I clench my fists, the blood takes a while to return to my finger tips.  He said it looks like Raynaud's Syndrome.  This can also be caused by very low iron though, so he was not going to diagnose me with anything.

I am going in next week for a very comprehensive set of blood tests.

Could everything I have gone through been related to my anemia and a deficiency in b12?
I am beginning to think so.
Every symptom I have felt over the last 3 weeks could be directly linked to that.

It amazes me how supportive people are to me.  People come out of the woodwork and let me know that they are there for me.  It means so much.  I just received an email from my professor / friend, letting me know that regarding school while I'm dealing with all this mental shit, to not worry - and that nothing will be "unfixable".  I'm just really, really touched that people give a shit so much.

I picked up my zoloft prescription today.  I am going to start taking it tomorrow morning. 

I really feel much, much better but I know that I still need to take the zoloft.  I have had deep issues with OCD / anxiety / depression and stuff for a long time, and I now know that I can get help for it. 
I am also going to my first psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday.  He practices cognitive behavioral therapy, which I know will help me work through some of my issues immensely.

Between the two things (meds and therapy), I am fully confident that I will return to a state of happiness - possibly even more than I ever was before. 

Overall, today, I feel happy and relieved. 
Also, I am 95% sure that I am quitting my retail job to pursue a freelance position.  I know that this alone is taking a huge burden off my mind.  I am returning to work for someone who I really enjoy, and I will be able to set my own hours and work from home.  And make very decent money.  Much better than working in a crummy store for very little pay.  

I was prescribed zoloft for my anxiety and depression.
I am really scared to start taking it, but at the same time kind of excited - scared for the possible bad side effects, excited for the fact that it might change my life for the better.
I'm going to wait until Trevor comes home from recording the album to start taking it though.  Just incase bad side effects come about.

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

The last few days have been the most trying of my life.  I ended up in the hospital yesterday, voluntarily, because I couldn't deal with it all anymore.  The depression, the disassociation with the world around me, everything. 
It was the most liberating experience and I feel great today.  I feel so great because I know I am finally going to get the help I need to cope with stress, which is something in my whole life I have never been able to do.  They have set me up for an evaluation on Monday.  I know they are going to try to put me on antidepressants, but I am going to decline and opt rather to start seeing a psychiatrist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. I need to be equipped with the tools to manage stress on my own.  I do not believe that I am a candidate for pills, because I am actually a very happy person, but I crumble - big time - under the weight of ANY stress, or anything outside my normal routine of life.  This is what isn't good. 

I have also vowed to start taking up yoga, which I believe with further improve my quality of life and ability to reduce stress naturally.

I'm in quest of new role models. There've been some good ones in my life, and I'm grateful for how they've awakened me, but right now I need fresh heroes worth emulating. Know any? I'm not dogmatic about what I'm looking for, and am willing to be surprised, but here are a few qualities I admire: compassion combined with unpredictability, high integrity mixed with an intense commitment to creativity, and self-discipline blended with playfulness. I like smart talkers who are also savvy listeners, and people who have a balance of open-minded objectivity and emotional intelligence. By the way, what's true for me is true for many of you, my fellow Cancerians: You could use a new role model, too, and it's an excellent time to go in search of one.

I was wide awake at 7:15, listening to the sound of snow melting / rain pouring down.  It was so soothing.  It's going to be a very mild day today, I think around 6C. 

I'm working today 12-7.  My next shift after today is March 8th!  I am only able to work on weekends now that I will be starting my internship next week.  It'll be so weird to not be in there a few times a week....I'm kind of scared.  As previously mentioned in my last few posts, I don't take to change very well.  It just feels so weird, starting a new chapter and (almost) closing the chapter with my current employer.  I mean, it's not like I'm too sad about it, because my current job is in retail and all, but it'll just be weird.  I'm so used to it, so comfortable there. 

Bah.  Why do things have to change?!  I'm excited to move forward, but I always get sad to leave things behind.  I was talking with Morgan about this on the way to school and she feels the same.  We're both excited to be done school, but also sad that the experience is over.  

I know I'll be fine, I've persevered through a lot of things and always made it out in one piece.  I'm just a little bit sad it's all coming to a close.

Nothing is more soul-soothing than your favourite music on full blast, hot herbal tea in a Simpsons mug, and plenty o' patchouli incense.

Mmm.

My hands are stained bright yellow from the pollen in the lilies from my valentine's flowers.

I'm still feeling a bit off, but definitely getting better every day. 

Some things, point form, because my brain feels scattered today:
- Red bump is going away.  Thumbs up to that!
- Still fighting a bit of the cutting remorse, but overall, happy with the fact that split ends are gone
- About to curl up in bed and finish If I Die In Combat for my Vietnam class.  Not my preferred type of cozy-time reading, but it'll do!
- Meh. 
- Still trying my best to get out of this mental slump.  I don't feel particularly happy or sad right now, just a bit numb - which is, in my opinion, the worst feeling of all.  I hate when I get like this.  The world seems distant and far away and I don't feel as engaged as I normally am.  Boo to that.

Yep, my hair is cut.  As much as I am not happy with how short it is in general (before the cut and after), I needed to get it cut into some sort of shape to help me grow it out more.  My hair tends to grow really fast anyway, so I'm sure in a month I'll have a major mullet and the front will have grown in some.

I had another panic attack last night.  This morning when I woke up, I was still feeling it a bit...I guess I still sort of am...but I forced myself to eat and I'm a little better.  I slept for almost 10 hours because I didn't want to face the world.  

I think I just really hate change.  Even something as small as getting my hair cut again sends me into a tailspin of sorts.  I do something feeling fully confident about it, and then I start feeling panicky and weird about it after it's done.  Even though I needed a haircut, I still can't deal with change.  This is why I trimmed off the ends, and I'm growing out my natural colour, so I never have to do something drastic to it again - apparently I can't handle it anymore.  I used to be able to shave off one side of my hair without any feeling of remorse, and now I get a goddamned trim and I feel like I'm throwing off my whole plan to grow it out. 

I keep trying to remind myself that this is all hardly a valid reason to be so upset.  I was doing some reading for my Vietnam class last night while I was trying to fight off the panic attack, and I kept saying to myself, "It could be worse - you could be a soldier in a wrong war like Iraq."  and that did seem to help some.  

I better go wake my husband up, we both work at 10am and of course he's still sleeping.

Going to get my hair cut in about an hour and a half.  Let me tell you, it is MUCH needed - my hair is a big mess right now.  It will be cute and short and flapper-girlesque. 

My ActionScript test went fine.  I got 80%.  I'm sooo frustrated though, because I would've gotten maybe 95% had I not second guessed myself on this heavily weighted question.  I had what ended up being the correct answer selected, and last minute I selected the wrong answer.  Durrr.

I've been at work for 45 minutes so far, and not a single customer has come in. 
So far I've sat in the back room and ate borscht and bread chunks with hummus, stood out here on the computer trying to find ways to amuse myself, and stood by the front window musing at all the funny and strange characters outside. 
To make things worse, the internet is sooooo slow at my work.  It took me near 3 minutes to load my livejournal!  Bah!  Are we living in the stone ages, people?!

I have a test in ActionScript tomorrow.  I don't know specifically what the exam will be covering, which is kind of an uh-oh.  The teachers are being so stupidly vague lately, and I can tell they're doing it on purpose.  It's like some of them get a kick out of overwhelming us.  What's worse is the teacher that is sort of the ultimate dick can't be anymore than 3 years older than me.  I have a feeling he thinks he has something to prove because he's so young, so he really makes it hard on all of us.  Naturally, I have a hard time taking orders from someone who is likely younger than my husband. 

Jeebus H. Christ - I don't know if I can deal with 4 more hours of this.  SO BORED.

I went to the doctor's yesterday because a week ago, I developed this little red bump on my collarbone.  I developed it around the same time I slathered a bunch of BPAL Blood Kiss all over my neck and collarbone area.  It didn't go away over the course of the week though, so I figured it was time for a visit with the doctor.  He couldn't tell me what it was, but he did tell me what it was not (I of course asked if it was skin cancer, and he said no.)  He prescribed some cream for me to apply, and told me that if it doesn't go away within 2 weeks to come and have him take it off with liquid nitrogen.  Um, ouch?  And also, WTF?!  I don't understand where it came from.  Anyway, I've got the cream now and hopefully it goes away.

Trevor and I both had today off, which NEVER happens.  It is snowing and blowing hard today.  We had a delightful market trip which resulted in the purchase of many things, which included beautiful sundried tomato stuffed olives, fresh herbed foccacia bread from the bakery, potatoes, bananas, some Annie's Goddess Dressing (which is AMAZING), and a few other things.  They didn't have any non-dairy sour cream at the market, so we stopped off at the grocery store on the way home to get some.  We are having borscht tonight and it just wouldn't be the same without sour cream!  Mmmm...I adore borscht. 

I am going to watch Platoon this evening for my Vietnam class.  I really should've done it earlier this week, but such is life. 

Going to go stir the borscht now!

"In letting go of who you think you are, you become who you actually are . . ."
I just read this on my Facebook news feed, a friend posted it as part of their status update.

It really speaks to me at this moment in time.

Feeling more on-top-of-things today.  My fantastic teacher/program coordinator informed me that the company that I applied at to intern for/work for them full-time after the internship actually LOVED my portfolio site!  Apparently, they are very interested in me.  Eee!  It doesn't matter what else happened today, because that news just made my day awesome no matter what. 

There is also only 8 weeks of school left.  Um, crazy?

Soon enough, I'll be a Graphic Designer instead of Student/Retail Slave.

Hooooly.  Hell.
Life has taken an unexpected turn towards the nuthouse.  I am swamped with school work, and on top of that, my work had me scheduled for long shifts for 4 days straight - Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, which would effectively eat up ANY time I have to do homework.  I was in today and spoke to my manager about it.  I love my manager, she's super understanding and wonderful.  The thing is, she has to answer to another manager with higher seniority plus the owner, and the two of them are incredibly juvenile and "highschool".  The owner runs the store like a goddamn fascist regime, and if you dare speak up about an issue, she won't have any trouble firing you over it.  Well, I'm surprised I've not been fired before seeing as I'm the only one left from all the girls that were hired when I was....I have the highest seniority of everyone, except for Bitchy Manager and the Owner.  People just can't handle their attitudes and frankly, I'm not sure how I have put up for so long.

Well, long story short, I guess Bitchy Manager and Owner were pissed that Nice Manager asked them to change the schedule a bit for me, seeing as I'm a FULL TIME STUDENT and they had me working 22 hours this week alone, when I have spoken with them on several occasions about how I can't work that much (also, it's midterms, get a clue people).  Not only that, they scheduled me for next Monday, and I have class on Mondays, always have.  So, I'm not really sure what they were thinking there.  And they're pissed that I spoke up and said I couldn't work during that day?!  Gimme a break.  I am so over the drama there. 

I'm frantically working away at trying to complete several assignments all at once, all the while hoping to find the time to study for several big exams coming up in the next couple of days.  Can someone pass me The Universal Remote, so I can fast forward through the next 7 days?